BY KAREN BOSSICK
Their culture tells them that nothing is serious—that everything is supposed to be funny. They have to be experts at comebacks and putdowns. And, if you ask them why they said something horrendous, their immediate response is, “I don’t know.”
Welcome to Boy’s World.
It’s a place of social hierarchies and unwritten rules…where asking for help or showing emotional pain is impossible…where sports and video games can mean everything but working hard in school may elicit ridicule from the guys...where masterminds insult each one another constantly but no one objects when someone steps over the line…where boys can play video games for six hours straight without taking a bathroom break but can’t get through 15 minutes of homework.
New York Times Bestselling author Rosalind Wiseman started her career with the book, “Queen Bees and Wannabes—How to Help Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys and Realities of Girl World,” which Tina Fey used as the basis for the film “Mean Girls.”
More recently, she turned her attention to boys in a book she titled “Masterminds and Wingmen.”
She described what it’s like to be a boy of the 21st century for several hundred school counselors, police officers and attorneys at the 25th annual Idaho Prevention & Support Conference held recently at Sun Valley.
Wiseman, who is trying to help communities shift the way they approach youth’s emotional and physical wellbeing, described how several ninth-graders had picked up a phone another boy had dropped. They decided it would be funny to photograph one of them with his pants down and send that picture to a female student. The police arrested the phone’s owner, threatening him that he was headed for a sexual predators list and that his life was over.
“If we don’t hear and see things like this for what it is, we will discipline incorrectly. In this case, you had to be clear about the ID of the person in the picture,” Wiseman said. “Today’s young people have seen people get away with so much so it’s important to tell them that they’re not in trouble because they got caught but because of their actions.”
In Girl’s World, Wiseman said, it’s important never to be alone or appear lonely. Or, to appear clingy or needy.
A girl wants things to look effortlessly perfect as she positions herself in the right place with the right people doing the thing she must post on Facebook immediately.
Girls today are following YouTubers they may not know personally to decide what college to attend. They know that 4 p.m. after school is the best time to post. And, if they don’t get a certain number of likes, in their head they suck.
“They’re pleasing an invisible audience every time they post,” said Wiseman. “It’s like being under surveillance and they have to fit into the standards everyone else has. And watching the embarrassments of others is their entertainment. We have to show them it dehumanizes people.”
Wiseman says she often asks girls to draw or describe who it is they’re trying to please on Facebook and what it is they want followers to think about them.
“We look like we’re freaking out to them,” she added. “They get the impression from us that everything they post impacts their future, that if they post anything that makes them look bad they will never get into college or get a job. It’s okay to advise them never post anything they wouldn’t want their grandmother to see, but they have to be allowed to make mistakes.”
Wiseman writes a monthly column for the Anti-Defamation League called Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations where she writes about common challenges educators face talking to young people about youth culture, bigotry, discrimination and social media. And she created Owning Up Curriculum to teach students and educators to take responsibilities as bystanders to address perpetrators and victims of unethical behavior.
Youth will do anything to avoid adults’ help if bullied. But, she said, it’s important for teachers and others to stop bullying when they see it.
“If they don’t see adults do anything, why would they act when they see bullying?”
If child is slow asking for help, don’t say, “Why didn’t you tell someone?” That makes them feel stupid, Wiseman said.
If they acknowledge something is wrong but are not ready to confide, tell them, “When you feel the time and place is right, tell me.”
And if they say, “Don’t tell anyone,” respond, “I can’t make that promise. But if you tell me something and I know someone who knows more about this kind of problem than me, we’ll decide together who to go to.”
She paused, “Think how powerful it can be when asking for help is not considered a weakness but a strength.”
Conflict cannot always be avoided. But explaining what happened that you don’t like and asking what they need and why frames the situation with dignity.
“Saying something like, ‘What you posted (or what you did) was a mistake because you hurt someone,’ rather than lecturing, allows them to engage and puts them on the road to increasing their health and wellness,” Wiseman said.
Demanding respect, rather than earning it, may work in the short term but not in the long term. Apologizing when you make a mistake is one of the most powerful things a parent or teacher can do, Wiseman said.
“When it feels as if you’re giving up authority, you’re actually gaining authority,” she said.
Kids today are not just moody, Wiseman said. Teens reported 56 percent more depressive episodes in 2015 than 2010. The suicide rate among youth ages 15 through 19 jumped 46 percent from 2015 through 2017. And 2.5 times as many youth ages 12 through 14 years of age are taking their own lives.
“You say they don’t have to pay bills and mortgages but they have issues that are important to them,” Wiseman said.
Remind youth that there’s help along the way, she added.
“As life gets more complicated in fourth grade, sit down and talk about who they can go to for help. Ask how they feel in their stomach, etc., when they feel anxious, and give them some tools, such as mindfulness, to deal with those moments.”
Youth’s biggest request? Telling parents to stop asking questions, to stop interrogating them about such things as who they sat with at lunch.
“Imagine your child waiting for you at home and quizzing you about everything you did at work during the day,” Wiseman said. “Kids will not come to us when they do have something on their mind if we don’t offer them dignity.”